Friday, November 13, 2009

Small doses of crazy.

Ever since I became a mom, I noticed that I'm a bit more crazy than normal.

Pre-baby I lived in this blissful world thinking about how it was going to be once my daughter arrived, like we all do. I don't know how many times I said that I wouldn't change a thing once my daughter was born. I was determined to live MY life, just with a kid in the mix now. I thought she would abide by MY schedule, not the other way around. I thought I would still have a social life, getting a sitter is no big deal...and so on.

Um, sure.

Needless to say, none of the above came true. There is a new queen of this castle and we bow to her, no doubt about it, as we should.

I have to say though, I am now mourning my old life. Yes, you read it right, I am saying that I'm missing certain aspects of my old life. I'm admitting it. It goes without saying that I wouldn't change having Lily for the world but I will admit that the adjustment has been difficult.

This is where the small doses of crazy come out of me.

Take teething for example. A year or two ago, if I saw a six month old baby, I would think what any childless woman would think, "Awwwww! They look like so much fun at this age!". Sure, they are, but I never gave a second thought to things like teething. So, days like today when Lily has spent a good portion of the day screaming, because of God's little prank on new mothers, I tend to go a little crazy. I start thinking, "What did I get myself into?", or, "I am not cut out for this shit, I do not have the patience" and every once in awhile, I'll even cry with Lily.

Other doses of crazy include, but not limited to:
  • Snapping at my husband often, for making me become his mother too.
  • Getting irrationally irritable when someone pisses me off at work. I don't have time for that shit anymore. I have a kid at home.
  • Thinking, I would rather try to survive off of my husbands (very small) salary, than to spend another long day away from my baby, one then thinking, the very next day, I cannot wait to spend 2 hours in the car driving to the furthest point in my territory so I can be alone in quiet.
I can go on but you understand what I'm saying, I'm sure.

I know what you're thinking, "Shit, this chick has postpartum issues!", and that might very well be...but I don't think it's anything more than adjusting to my new life.

I think new moms are afraid to admit things like this, in fear that they'll be judged if God forbid they have a selfish thought. I mean, come on, if you're a mom, you can't tell me that you haven't been excited to put your kid to bed for some peace and quiet, or that you didn't sometimes wish that you could take a night away with your husband without one ounce of guilt.

No, no one sat me down and told me motherhood would be easy but I honestly wasn't prepared for the changes that everyone warned me about. I guess that's the point is that you can't prepare. There are no words to explain what truly happens to your life when you become a mom. You can try to explain it but until you live it, you can't conceptualize the new life you're about to have.

All that said, I do not blame hormones for my doses of crazy. Maybe it's a small piece of it but more than anything, it's coming to grips with not being able to be selfish anymore and the new life I signed up for.

I can deal with my own crazy. I just hope I don't pass down the gene.

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